Friday, August 11, 2006
Draft #134
The NBA Mad Scientist
Today I decided to formulate a NBA roster that I could completely loathe, despise, and flat out hate with every fiber of my being. I've already decided that the newly constructed 31st team will be based in Cincinnati and they will be nicknamed the Suckwads. The 15-man roster will consist of the following players:
Point Guards
-Gary Payton- Gary and Desmond Mason were both traded from Seattle to Milwaukee during the trading deadline of the 2002-2003 season in exchange for Ray Allen and Flip Murray. To put it mildly, Ray Allen was kind of popular here in Milwaukee. The Bucks had already lost one of the "Big 3" that previous summer when they shipped the "Big Log" off to Atlanta for Toni Kukoc, so losing the 2nd component to the trifecta was a big blow. But at least we got Payton right? Wrong. Dead wrong. What we got was nothing even fractionally close to the player nicknamed the Glove in Seattle. We received a man who was pissed off that he had to even step foot in this state, let alone play for our team. He played like complete shit for the couple of months he was here, he never smiled, he bitched and moaned about the city, he raped our women AND our cattle then pissed on the remains, lit a match, and made his way off to LA with both middle fingers a blazin. At least that's how I remembered it. So Gary, I urge you, do not retire! The Cincinnati Suckwads want YOU.
-Rafer Alston- I'm not even sure if I can put into words the amount of hatred I have for the And1 MixTape Tour. With guys nicknamed 50, Hot Sauce, the Pharmacist, the Assassin, Escalade, Spyda, Deez Nuts, Homeboi, Crackakilla, Supafro, Rocky D. Rimz, T-bags, Toof, Stanks, Dir-T-Draws, P-Scrubs McDubs, and Skunkbuster who wouldn't get caught up in all the excitement. Rafer "Skip to my Lou" Alston is actually a legend in this Gangsta style Globetrotters Tour and for that, he has earned himself a roster spot in Cincy. Feel free to bee bop and scat around the court at your leisure Rafer, you've got the green light.
-Tyronn Lue- Plain and simple, he is goofy looking. Between the cornrows that are way too long and tickle the back of his knees and the dirty facial hair, I just can't warm up to the guy. And somehow, someway this guy has started 153 games in the NBA. How does that happen? I'm not sure why that angers me, but it does. He should be a backup point guard at best...........in a city league.................for handicapped kids. Plus I heard he sniffed Kobe Bryant's jockstrap during his days with the Lakers, what a weirdo!
-Eric Snow- Granted he is the gritty competitor I like to see in a ballplayer, but I just can't erase the memories of the 2001 Playoffs from my mind that easily. Snow plays dirty, he whines, he pokes, he jabs, he sticks his finger in his butt and smells it, he flops, he cheats, he can't shoot, he just gets under your skin and your collar at the same time and leaves you clenching your fists in frustation. Five years later, he's showing signs of slowing down immensely and hopefully it's only a couple more years until he's joining the likes of Tyrone Hill, George Lynch, Todd MacCulloch, and Matt Geiger in the NBA wasteland with Dikembe Mutombo, Kevin Ollie, and Aaron McKie not too far behind.
Shooting Guards
Allen Iverson- It's just not a 2000-2001 Philadelphia 76ers hate fest without the MVP of that season, Allen Iverson. Again, like Snow, I admire his ability to play almost every minute of every game with such tenacity, but on the flip side, he is a thug. I can't stand the tats, I can't stand the attitude, and I can't stand the fact that his shit squad made it to the Finals in 2001. I've never seen one person get awarded so many calls driving to the basket this side of Dwyane Wade, Michael Jordan, or Kobe Bryant. He continually drove into defenders that were in a stationary position with arms up, only to crash into them and fall backwards on the ground because he's so damn scrawny. Meanwhile, the defender would barely budge from the collision and they would get slapped with the foul. And in the 1 out of a 45 chance he didn't get that call, he would curse the ref out like they had just slapped his mother. Iverson is selfish, he'll never win a championship, and if Big Dog would have just made that jumper.......
Vince Carter- He admitted to not playing hard in Toronto. What else do you need to know in order to not like the guy. He got injured so often people started calling him "Wince" Carter. He got voted to start All Star games because he can jump high? Most of his injuries appeared to be fake and his cell phone commercial sucks. He doesn't make his teammates better and the only worthwhile thing he ever did was jumping over that Frenchie while dunking a basketball for Team USA during the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney.
Small Forwards
Darius Miles- He's been in the league since the turn of the century and he still weighs 200 lbs soaking wet. What the hell have you been doing? You're 6'9''! Either eat something, or try lifting a weight once in awhile. And by weights, I'm not referring to smoking weed, I know you get those things mixed up sometimes D-Miles. And what's with that thing you do with the pounding of your head after every bucket? You look retarded doing that. Overall, he's got a lot of talent, a lot of potential, but just no heart. Basically, just a waste.
Ricky Davis- Speaking of a waste.....
Vladimir Radmanovic- I'm not exactly sure where my distain comes from for Mr. V-Rad, but for starters he hails from Serbia & Montenegro. That's not to say that I hate people from Serbia & Montenegro, I just hate the name of that country. You can't be both, pick one and go with it please. Or forge the two into one name like Serbnegro. Actually I soured on him when he began bitching about not starting when he played in Seattle. Dude, you were playing the same position as Rashard Lewis, just shut your trap and take a seat. Vlad is one of those players that probably gets pissed when he's not voted into the All Star Game each season because he lives in a constant state of loser denial. So he finally got traded to the Clippers and found himself in a pretty good situation where the only competition for playing time was the oft-injured Corey Maggette and what does he do the following offseason? Yeah, he signs with the Lakers so he can sit on the bench behind Lamar Odom. I secretly root for Kobe and the Lakers and I just don't like the acquisition, it leaves a foul aftertaste on the tongue. But it will only be a matter of time until we hear Vlad bitching about not starting, and I can't wait.
Power Forwards
Kenyon Martin- Surprise, a tatooed thug who's a headcase made my squad. You should have never left New Jersey bro, never ever. You could have been somebody. Now look at you, you're spending most of your days discussing whether or not you're getting along with your coach George Karl. You want to leave Denver, but nobody wants you because you're damaged goods and you're too expensive. You suck and you look like Robert Martin aka "50" from the And1 Mixtape Tour, and that dude is one of the dumbest mothers I've ever seen in my life. If they're not brothers in real life I'd be shocked because they have the same last name, the same ego, and are nearly the same height.Drew Gooden- Gooden, more like Drew Suckden. Drew not good. Drew underachieve. Drew been on 3 team in 5 year and headed to 4th because no one like. Drew look stupid in beard. Drew doesn't appear smart and looks confused most of time. Drew's new team will say, "Drew been here for four hour, he suck already, let's trade NOW!! High-ya!
Zach Randolph- A teammates worst nightmare. Throwing the ball into the post with the intent of it reaching Zach is the equivalent of tossing the ball into a black hole, it's not coming back. I'm pretty sure Zach has the ability to shoot a ball before even receiving the pass, it's a gift I'm told. He looks nothing like a basketball player, from his body shape to the way he lugs around a basketball court, nothing is natural. How many black people do you know that are named Zach/Zack anyway? I can't think of many unless it's short for Zachamondaula. But he is a Jailblazer through and through, so all he can say is, "D-Miles, pass that shit over here."
Centers
Rasho Nesterovic- He's just boring. He looks like he wouldn't be any fun, on or off the court. He looks like he hates to be tall. Watching him play is like watching a lion mope around in it's cage at the zoo. Just a very depressing athlete.
Jake Tsakalidis- On the night he was drafted, someone in the studio asked him if he would be able to handle Shaq one-on-one. Jake answered in broken English, "Yes I can." He didn't exactly say, "I must break him" but from that point on he become the Ivan Drago to my Rocky Balboa (Shaq). Except in this case, Ivan Drago sucks balls, big time. I'm not sure if Jake had never even heard of Shaq before that question, but I would image the chin of Jake's agent probably pulled a few slivers out of the floorboards after his jaw dropped straight to the ground. Jake might as well have called Kobe his bitch while he was at it.
Paul Davis- The guy hasn't even played a game in the NBA yet, and I hate him just the same. Drew Gooden has a stupid look on his face most of the time, but that is an innocent, he can't help it type of a look that just makes him look dopey. Paul on the other hand, has a constant look on his face that makes you want to go over to him and beat it out with a series of roundhouse rights that won't stop until either A) the skin on your hand is gone and you're down to the bone or B) You think Paul may have stopped breathing. I mean after all, you just wanted to wipe that focking grin off his face and make him shat his pants in the process. You don't want to kill nobody because in the end he'll make a fine addition to the practice squad for the Cincinnati Suckwads.
Head coach: Cynthia Cooper, WNBA legend and major league rag.
Over/under for wins in a season if this dream expansion team came true: 11
*Hucklebuck Inc. would like to take this time to mention that the author does not know any of the players personally and that some of the accusations may not be entirely true, ie Tyronn Lue sniffing jockstraps or Eric Snow being an ass picker. We would however like to thank you for reading and wish you and yours a great weekend, especially if your name is Vinny D. Here's to a Happy B-day.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 8:49 AM 
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Where's the latest addition to the Milwaukee Bucks? You have to love a guy that has to register as a sex offender the minute he sets foot in this state.........the guy's an f'n ass clown! I firmly believe that the NBA is comprised of about 95% of players like Ruben Patterson, maybe not all into sexually assaulting young women, but into whatever kind of bad shit they're into. Sorry Hucklebuck, but your roster is woefully short, it should have about 330 players on it..........and that's a viewpoint.
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