Thursday, August 24, 2006
Draft #139
Bitchin and Moanin (the cousin to Freestyle Fridays)
-If you are a male, 30 some years of age, and you have the honor of throwing out the first pitch at a major league ballgame, and you decide to wear your glove, and do a windup as you throw from the rubber, and your attempt doesn't reach the catcher on the fly because it hit the grass in front of homeplate, then you are a massive douche bag, just massive. You can't do that.
-If you are at a sporting event and you stand up and cheer loudly in order to gain the attention of the pansies tossing T-shirts, there's a 72% chance that you are a douche bag. Just let the shirt come to you, and don't act like you're in the front row of the Beatles performance during the Ed Sullivan Show back in 64'. They're tossing T-shirts. I repeat, T-shirts. When the day comes that the overly hyper, jazz handed homos start tossing vials of acid that explode on contact into the crowd (or dead rats) then yes, I could possibly justify some of the chaotic behavior you choose to display during the wadded cloth heaving ritual. But until then, let's just try and just sit in complete silence during one of these T-shirt toss episodes just to try and blow the minds of the "energy squad". They wouldn't know what to do. "What? No one want T-shirt? It's free T-shirt, it's very good. It's a crossed stitched."
-Here's another thing you can't do. If you own a car and you choose to put a #3 decal on your rear window, and then choose to try 55 mph in the left hand lane of an express way that states it's OK to drive at least 65 mph, then that's not right. You are exhibiting some very non-intimidating behavior and if you continue to do that, I should be granted the right to shoot your rear tires out with a shotgun. I'm sorry, but Dale would have wanted it that way.
- I don't like this woman. We've never met before but I can tell you with all sincerity, that I can't and won't ever like this person. What Annie Donnelly did is an unforgivable crime! And it's not so much that she stole 2.3 million dollars from her employers that gets my britches in a bundle. It's what she used the money for that makes me want to scream and kick simultaneously. This broad stole the money and then used it to buy scratch-off lottery tickets at the tune of $6,000 a day. How is that possible? The poor store clerks that had to put up with this rag on a daily basis, my heart goes out to you. You've all suffered a grave misjustice and I can only hope that an agreement is put into place that will allow you to swiftly kick her in the ass at the beginning of each day as a part of her punishment. I also wonder how much money this lady spent on cigarettes during this grand larceny spree. According to this picture, it appears she tried smoking herself into the future to figure out a few winning lotto numbers because she looks god aweful for 38 years old. She's so unappealing she makes Mickey Morandini look pretty.-How about this John Mark Karr guy? You know, the guy suspected of killing JonBenet Ramsey. I think you've all seen a picture of this creep already so I won't bother posting one of him because he is a sickly looking fellow. He couldn't look like more of a pedophile if you tried. If someone tried to make him look more pedophile-ish, the end result would resemble the beginning of Happy Days where the Fonz reaches up to comb his hair but stops half way because his hair is already perfect. Yeah, it would be like that.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 12:22 PM 
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Other than Carlos Zambrano and liberals as a whole, I can think of nobody I would rather fill full of lead than these ass-hats that buy scratch off lottery tickets. Not only does it waste everybody's time who's unlucky enough to get stuck behind said ass-hat, but the return on their investment is so stunningly poor that they would get more enjoyment wiping their asses with those same dollar bills.........and I would be less offended. Bunch of f'ing ass-hats!
So.....you don't think the daily kick in the ass would be enough of a punishment? Bear in mind, the clerks will be given permission to kick as hard as they like.
This is grounds for celebration! Free Captain N' Jack for everybody! Coke is so last week. Mixing rum with whiskey is so hot right now.
Gotta love the deadbeats that will flush 20 bones down the crapper for some scratch-offs and then bitch about how expensive GPC's are.
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