Thursday, September 07, 2006
Draft #143
Rare Disease, Small Town
Things are going pretty well in Shifting, Alabama, a town imfamous for it's ambiguity. Blue skies, green grass, and smiles are the order of the day, seemingly, almost everyday in this fair town. Norman Rockwell himself couldn't create a simpler, more carefree atmosphere even if he wanted to. Yes, you could say things are pretty fine and dandy here in good old Shifting, and the fifty-cent piece in Billy Forrester's back pocket is all the proof you'd need to verify the hapiness that surrounds this town. Hell, even Grandma Durrington's molasses pie sales have increased by 22%, a turn of events that has Grandma thinking, "Maybe I can afford that new plastic hip." You see, Grandma cracked a hip back in 1988 when she slipped on the diving board at the Pangborne Pool and Recreation Center, and she's been delaying the much needed operation ever since.
At its core, Shifting is an easy going town tucked conveniently into the backwoods of nearby Brutah, Alabama. The rules of this community are quite simple.
1) While incest is never promoted, it is rarely prohibited.
2) Ray Finkgold's Mini Market is the only place around that sells goat jerky, but you have to ask for it by name because he doesn't display it on the shelves with the rest of the merchandise. He keeps it stashed away in a Woody the Woodpecker lunchbox in the closet where the illegal fireworks are stored. The secret password to gain access to his goat jerky stash is "flumpernickel". Ray's a popular guy around the 4th of July holiday since he makes his own fireworks. His Limb Launcher 800 creation sold nearly 1,400 units from 1993 through 1996. This may not all constitute as a rule, but Ray is a guy who's constantly in the mix and to forget his mention would be a down right travesty.
3) Never, under any circumstances, venture into Skuds Pub unless you can honestly say that you were in favor of most of the things that the Germans did during the 1940's. To put it mildly, Skuds is one of the few known earthly portals that lead directly to hell. The other being the entrance to Candice Bergen's doghouse, don't ask. Bad things happen in there. Very bad.
4) While Shifting doesn't have the obligatory cat lady (the elderly woman who owns way too many cats to possibly care for. She is most likely crazy and the cats have long since taken over control of her home, she reeks of feline fecal deposits and bourbon, and her hair is purple due to numerous failed dyeing attempts) that almost every town has or needs, they do however, have Tony Sprederollo. And Tony doesn't like it when people touch his hair. Plus, he killed a guy, so don't mess with him.
5) If you enter a public bathroom and you notice Aaron Rupscow is already occupying that room, then run, run for life. At first glance, Aaron appears to be a normal, run of the mill, 22-year-old guy with nary a problem, but this young man is far from ordinary. Aaron suffers from a condition known as "urincursinitis" (pronounced yer-in-curse-in-eye-tis). This is a rare disease that can be best described as urination enduced Tourettes syndrome. Everytime young Aaron is in the process of urinating, he fidgets uncontrollably and uses curse words to an extent that it would make you cry if you had the displeasure of being on the receiving end of one of his rants.
The town of Shifting will be hosting its 3rd annual dinner benefit to help fight urincursinitis on October 21st at the Pangborne Pool and Recreation Center. The event starts at 7pm and the per plate cost of attending is $150. The meal will be catered by Gerald Yupclay's Food2GO services and the menu will be featuring two entrees, with your choice of PB&J sandwiches or a bowl of BBQ-flavored little smokies. Entertainment for the evening will be provided by Harry Sanks and the Funkytrotters. Apparently this is their first gig, so nobody knows what genre of music they play, but we've been hearing good things. Nazi's are kindly asked that they do not attend the benefit.
Last year Shifting raised nearly $1,000 and this year they're looking to double that total. Urincursinitis has touched this town profoundly and people like Aaron could really use your help. If you'd like to make a donation to the SUC (Stop Urincursinitis Completely) foundation, please contact them at 1-800-PEE-AWAY. Together, this little town can work miracles, or..........at the very least, make public urination a not so threatening experience once again, for one troubled young man.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 11:12 AM 
