Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Draft #144
Falling from Grace
One second you are on top of the world, every 10-12 year old boy in America, scratch that, the world is suddenly sprung into puberty a year or two prematurely due to your "Baby One More Time" video. Your legion of male fans could forget hitting that one more time, they wouldn't even be able to stay conscious long enough to enjoy/remember the first hit. That's how hot you were. Seemingly at every corner, husbands were leaving their wives to become fulltime Spears groupies, spending the rest of their days chasing girls in Catholic school uniforms. You scrambled the collective brain waves of all males for about a three or four year span, and the sky was the limit as far as your future gross income potential. All you had to do was keep working out, not get pregnant, and don't let people know how dumb you actually are. Sure, we eventually would have discovered you weren't overly bright, slow witted, or a bit ditzy. But come on, who among us would have cared. I mean damn, you were hot!
And then.........you met Kevin Federline. And all of a sudden, we couldn't
distinguish you from a monkey in a dress that was just handed some lipstick. Once it became apparent that scratching your ass in public, picking your nose in public, and eating three chili cheese dogs in one sitting in public was becoming apart of who you were, the male public starting losing their collective erections. Slowly but surely, you starting to lose your figure, you dyed your hair a hideous shade of nasty, and that charming southern accent started to sound more like amateur hour at the open violin session for the musically disabled. It's gotten to the point were drunk college guys might pass on you when scrambling for anything they could find at bar time.
If Howard Stern's television program were still on E!, I wouldn't even bat an eye if I tuned into the show after a long night of drinking and saw you slowly backing into a microphone to show off the farting noises Kevin taught you to make. You've sunk so low you've now reached the status of a Howard Stern guest that would allow him to throw slices of bologna on your ass while you giggle incessantly. The crew would then show still photos of your ass and highlight the areas where all the cellulite is accumulating. You'd let the criticism roll right off your back as you continue giggling in an ultra annoying manner. After the criticism, Howard would tell you how hot he thinks you are, and what he'd do to you if he wasn't married. You'd respond by saying how hot Howard is and how you've always had a thing for him. This would peak Howard's interest and he would plead and beg you to give him an in-studio lap dance. You will no doubtingly grant him his wish after his second or third plea thus leading to the scene where Kevin Feder-slime rushes in WWF style and starts raining blows down on anything that moves, especially Baba Booey, Stern's horse toothed lackey.
In conclusion, Tom Cruise is an evil little man and he must be stopped.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 7:18 AM 
