Friday, October 20, 2006
Draft #156
No time to freestyle, we have one important issue to tackle. So I'm watching this new reality show the other day called "House of Carters". For those of you who may not be aware, Nick Carter (a former member of the incredibly gay boy band known as the Backstreet Boys), and his four siblings are living under the same roof for the first time in ten years. I know this concept sounds fascinating and almost too good to be true, but it's real. That's why they call it reality TV. I don't understand why five brothers and sisters all over the age of 18 are living together, but I'm sure a top secret governmental inbreeding program has something to do with it.
Now when I say I watched the show, I'm referring to the five minute block of my life for which I'm probably not going to be refunded. In that span of time, Nick and brother Aaron were arguing (if not crying) over an incident where Aaron was found happily posing in a picture with Paris Hilton just days after Paris and Nick's breakup. Believe you me, it was quite the crisis. And these poor Carters face battles like this almost everyday. For instance, in a scenario I'm making up just now, young Aaron had to overcome the trials and tribulations associated with a Mercedes Benz that wouldn't start, only to settle on driving the family Porsche to the recording studio to lay down a track for his next humongously huge pile of shit for an album. Sure Aaron cursed out his mom, two of his sisters, and the gardener in an effort to get to the bottom of his broken Mercedes dilemna, but seriously, who amongst us hasn't been in that situation?
My brother and I used to fight over the remote control all the time. The battle for TV primacy was one that would usually lead to vicious blows to the kidneys and numerous unforgiving charlie horses. And while you may be thinking to yourself that a fight over a remote control and Paris Hilton are two totally different battles, I am here today to shed some light on why the two are more similar that you might think.
A) My family's old remote control had been used by numerous amounts of people. So many in fact, that it's hard to place a physical number on the actual total. Paris Hilton...
B) My family's old remote control was indeed used a bit. It was used so much, that the buttons on the remote had begun to fade and were practically dishelved, to the point were most of the buttons didn't do anything when you pressed them. Sure you could try pressing as hard as you wanted, but nothing was going to happen.
C) My family's old remote control had this sliding plastic shield on the bottom that used to cover some of the buttons for the VCR. When the remote was new, the shield used to click into place when it was positioned over the VCR buttons, but after a while the shield just sort of slide up and down at will and was eventually removed completely. So unless the remote was placed face down on the sofa, everyone could see the VCR buttons.
D) My family's old remote control didn't mind if you were wearing a glove or not.
E) My family's old remote control was once rumored to have given our neighbor a venereal disease.
F) My family's old remote control was dropped in the toilet on more than one occasion.
In conclusion, never ever watch "House of Carters" and never have sex with Paris Hilton or my family's old remote control.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 11:27 AM 
