Thursday, November 02, 2006
Draft #161
Thankless BastardsIt's been awhile since I've had a hand in anything that had to do with Halloween and it's traditions, so you can understand my surprise when I was visiting my sister during her neighborhood's allotted two hour Trick or Treat block of candy disbursement. As it turns out, kids are really rotten creatures. I mean really, who knew things have turned this badly? You should have heard some of the filth coming out of these miserable cretin's mouths. It was enough to make Andrew Dice Clay blush a rosie shade of red. And their parents were standing right on the sidewalk! Imagine some of the rubbish that spews out of the cakeholes of these little ass grabbers when their parents aren't in the vicinity? It stings the brain to even try to imagine the verbal carnage so that is why I've decided to write a booklet that educates children on how to use proper etiquette while Trick or Treating.
Lesson #1
As a Trick or Treater it is your responsibility to remember that the candy being passed out by strangers is not owed to you. It is not a right, it is a privilege and should be treated as such. There are thousands of kids in Kazmukatonistan that would kill to be in your shoes, hell they'll kill for an extra scoop of broiled monkey brains, but alas, neither one is an option for them.
Lesson #2
An oversized flannel shirt and some eyeblack does not constitute a costume. It displays how little you care for the holiday and how lazy you and your parents have become as human beings. Or it just means you were brought up in a trailer home, either way, let's try to put forth an acceptable level of effort here people. Other ensembles that do not count as a costume include:
-wearing a football jersey with no pads and no helmet
-walking around in your dad's welding mask and trying to pawn it off as being Darth Vader
-mumbling "Trick or Treat" and then proclaiming that you are Mumbles McGee
-wearing a trash bag like a diaper and proclaiming to people that you are "half in the bag"
-just because you're clutching a pencil, that doesn't make you Bob Dole.
-same thing goes for earmuffs and Princess Laya
Lesson #3
Saying "thank you" to someone who has just given you a free piece of candy is an appropriate response. Saying any of the following is not:
- What? Another Snickers? This is ridiculous. (huff and puff)
- What? Just one piece?
- Smarties? Smarties blow!
-What the hell is this?
-I didn't know they made them smaller than "fun size".
-I'm going to enjoy feeding Fido this colossal piece of crap
-Didn't they stop making this stuff years ago?
Lesson #4
When an adult with a bowl of candy tells you to take one piece, and you take two, that adult has (or should have) the government issued permission to run you down and beat you like a used donkey on his or her own front lawn. Nobody is that stupid.
Lesson #5
In medieval times, it wasn't uncommon for particular homeowners to pass out rolls of nickels or apples to children as treats. In the event this happens to you, do not hesitate to vandalize this person's living quarters by any means necessary when they are not looking. If you'd like to call the holiday offender a dirty whore or a douche wad immediately after receiving the nickels or apples, feel free to. After all, they deserve it.
Lesson #6
When your town has it written in their Trick or Treating bylaws that "Any household who wishes to participate in the dispursement of candy should indicate their desire to do so by leaving their front porch lights in the "on" position." And you find yourself ringing the doorbell of someone's house who has their porch lights "off", then go ahead, crumple up this brochure, put it in your mouth, and choke on it. Because if you can't follow those instructions, I'm guessing you're going to have trouble reading the directions to most of the condoms you might come across in the future, thus leading to your illegitimate reproduction. And nobody wants that.
Hopefully through this booklet you'll discover the one thing that rarely gets handed out during Halloween, and that's some good old fashioned manners.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 12:42 PM 
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I had no idea that Halloween had turned so sour. You didn't give us any inkling as to what these hoodlems said, though
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