Friday, January 26, 2007
Draft #179
Freestyle Fridays (Where dreams almost hardly rarely ever come true)
-I think the title of "World's Oldest Person" should be replaced with the title "Person Most Likely to Die Very Soon".
-The last two times I've had a pizza delivered to my house from Domino's, they haven't collected the coupon I used to place the order. Both delivery men admitted to me that they don't even ask for the coupons anymore. I would just like to say that I am a huge fan of this policy and I will be phoning in a 3 large pizzas for $17.99 order sometime in the not so distant future.
-Someday I'll be a guest on Conan O'Brien promoting my new fictional novel, "Adventures of Dandruff Boy".
-The grossest thing I've seen within the last week came courtesy of the lady on stage at the Northern Lights Theatre during a free Pat McCurdy concert. Pat finished his concert with the song "Sex and Beer" and audience members were allowed to come on stage and act out some of the choreography that goes along with this particular song. The lady in question is probably pushing 3 bills and whenever the word "sex" was sung, the people on stage would make a humping or thrusting motion. Now I have nothing against this lady for going up on stage and having a good time, I was just more concerned about the tight, sky blue, stretchy pants she chose to wear that accentuated the massive bulge that was just below her waist line yet still above her lady area. And maybe her choice of clothes wouldn't have bothered me so much had she not put so much voracity into her pelvic thrusts. It was like she was trying to thrust her way through a steel wall. Her effort level was head and shoulders above the other participants and I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wonder if she's available and if so, how would I get her number?
-Whenever I hear the UPS slogan, "Brown does more than you think" I always picture a UPS delivery man suggestively flashing the shocker symbol to a female customer in the middle of a delivery, as if the lady receiving the package might invite the delivery man inside the house to prove the slogan true.
-If you're a lawyer and you're representing a sex offender, I guess that makes you a sex defender. But what if you're a lawyer and you're representing a sex defender? Does that make the lawyer a sex offender? I'm obviously confused.
-Ned Delski's super duper dating tip #142- Before every date, it's important to eat a hearty meal incase your date will be in need of your manly services for the duration of the entire evening. That's why Ned eats a polish sausage dressed with mustard, onions, sauerkraut, and horseradish before he takes any lady out for a night on the town. Of course Ned never forgets to wash his meal down with a tall cup of jalapeno n' blue cheese flavored java. Ned likes to fuel up for the felines and you should too.
-Things you should never admit to wanting to see but you would totally watch on the internet if someone else was doing it in a foreign country #137-- Terrorists cooking genetically disoriented cats in a microwave. Damn those terrorists! Damn them.
-I bet the stenographer's notes of the first time the pop rock group Hanson got a groupie to come up to their hotel room would make for a great read. It may have marked the first time a female was ever lured into bed with the promise of receiving a gumball machine. "I'll give you all the colors of the rainbow baby."
-Regarding the Taco Bell commercial featuring Carmen Electra, do you think she actually swallows the bite she takes from the grilled stuffed burrito at the end of the commercial? I'm thinking she spits it out as soon as the scene ends and has her tongue massaged with rose pedals by a couple of the on-site assistants.
-A sign that you've made it big in America: A sample of your earwax just sold for $20,ooo on Ebay and it was reported stolen one week later.
-I had no idea Jimmy Durante's nose was so big.
-If you were starting a cover band would you rather be called The Fuzzy Scarfs or The High Fives?
-I don't understand the phrase, "Cool as a cucumber" at all. Do cucumbers display an uncanny ability to remain calm under pressure? I'd much rather be compared to being as cool as a cow. They don't seem to be swayed or bothered by anything, even horse flies, and I'm talking about the really big horse flies. Plus, I've never seen a cucumber ride a wave on a surfboard while cows, as is commonly known, are excellent surfers.
-Prediction. Eva Longoria will contract a rare form of gonorrhea before it's all said and done, and since she is so beautiful and popular the NCNVD (National Committee for Naming Venereal Diseases) will name the disease, evalongorrhea.
