Friday, February 09, 2007
Draft #181
Freestyle Fridays (A TrimSpa free environment)
-If I had to guess what the cause of Anna Nicole's death was, I'd say she was done in by her favorite food..... pizza. The good people at Domino's tried to warn her that diet pill wasn't a topping but she just wouldn't listen.
-I heard they found chunks of diet pill on a used piece of floss that was laying in her garbage.
-After examining Anna Nicole's residence for clues, FBI agents reported that they found large amounts of stupid.
-With the Celtics clearly tanking the rest of the season to increase their 2007 draft position, here is a list of possible ailments that Paul Pierce may eventually come down with in an effort to keep their winless streak alive:
1) Dislocated eyelash
2) 98.9 degree fever
3) An itchy belly button
4) George Kastanza-like unexplainable involuntary movements
5) And if they can't come up with a phantom injury, then anything he eats between now and the end of the season will have a high probability of giving him "food poisoning" or so we would be led to believe.
-If I owned a restaurant I would claim that all of my beef comes from cows that jumped over the moon. Some might say I'm cornering the market, others might say I'm a liar. I just think that flying cows taste better. Is that such a crime?
-Why did John Amaechi lead the league in 5 second violations during his playing career? Because he can't let go of balls.
-What was John Amaechi's favorite practice drill? The three man weave.
-I guess this explains why John was so good at setting backdoor screens.
-Why doesn't John Amaechi like eating at Arby's? Because he can't stand roast beef.
-If you're like me, you can't remember one damn thing about the 2006 Winter Olympics. Why isn't basketball considered a winter sport anyway?
-If John Amaechi was in the movie Alive and had to eat one of the other passengers/teammates to survive do you think he'd start off with a salad or go straight to the main course?
-If John Amaechi was a farmer he'd be baling gay for a living.
-Febtoberfest alert: I claim the top of Nate's fridge! Sleeping real estate at Filzen's will be hard to come by so I'm staking my claim early.
-My friend Bob is so perverted. I told him I blew a hammy the other day and he thought I gave head to a pig.
-Keep your eyes peeled for the breakfast Hot Pockets commercial where the mom drives her kids past a window of their own home (successfully passing it off as a drive-thru because her kids are retarded). Please take notice of how everyone in the van holds their Hot Pocket after the idiot dad gives them their food. Nobody in their right mind would hold a Hot Pocket like that. It was as if John Amaechi choreographed the whole commercial.
-Congratulations Katharine McPhee, you just cracked my top 5 list of the most beautiful girls on the planet. I'll be in Madison this weekend if you'd like to track me down.
-Ok folks, if you could.....please close your eyes for a moment and let me paint you a picture:
You're at the office.
You're having a rough day at work.
10 minutes ago your boss just reamed you out for the ninth time.
You wish somebody would just put that ass hammer in his place.
All of a sudden "I want to break free" by Queen starts playing in the background.
You're initially confused but eventually become filled with an urge to inflict pain.
To your surprise everything appears to be moving in slow motion.
Somebody you don't even know just handed you a pair of boxing gloves.
You're having trouble piecing together why all these things are happening to you.
Just then you notice your boss walking slowly in your direction.
He's got that smug look on his face that makes you want to vomit up a shoe.
And just then it hits you and you realize what you have to do.
And before that Rolls Royce driving mother focker can even open up his crooked mouth,
You reach back and pop him one in the chops so hard he soils his ironed gray slacks.
You're instantly charged with emotions you never even knew existed.
Your co-workers are wildly jumping up & down for the dragon has finally been slain.
You never thought this day would come.
Finally, you've found freedom.
And to celebrate.....
Margaritas!!!
To me, that's what Valentine's Day is all about.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 8:00 AM 
Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home
<< Home
