Hucklebuck Writes a Muck: Draft #182

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Draft #182

So what did you do for Valentine's Day?

Tim (Tippytoe, Nebraska): I slipped on a pile of manure yesterday and the little lady hosed me down. We shared a pot roast and watched the Lawrence Welk show together.

Joey (Rankshire, New York): I got stabbed in the neck by some lunatic. The focker didn't even have the decency to attack me face to face. I showed him though, I ended up following him home after I unwedged the fork from my neck and I killed all his goldfish.

Daren (Pilkington, Colorado): I gave my wife a one pound bag of chocolate covered pretzels and told her I'd be surprised if they lasted through the weekend. I in return, was given a savage beating.

Eric (Jelk, Minnesota): I watched Alando Tucker and the Wisconsin Badgers destroy my beloved Gophers. After the game I went home and finished a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle of Roy Orbison with my mom.

Tom (Jelk, Minnesota): I hid in a closet while Eric and his Mom were finishing up that damn puzzle. Thanks to Eric's early return I only got to do his mom one and a half times.

Edward (Jelk, Minnesota): I live in the apartment above Eric and his mom and I listened to his mom and whoever she was with make sweet animal love for almost 2 hours. It sounded like an electric egg beater was somehow involved with their love makings but I'm not sure how that would work. I was watching the Lawrence Welk show and had to turn up the volume on my television set.

Bob (Kittydorst, Pennsylvania): I made love to my wife Patty of almost 32 years. And by "made love" I mean I watched. And when I said "to my wife Patty" I meant scrambled porn. And by "of almost 32 years" I meant 4 hours. I'm not good with diction.

Larry (Charka, Wyoming): I attemped to host my first annual Valentine's Day Butter Lover's Party but no one showed up. Now I'm left with a heap of fresh baked bread, popcorn, biscuits, corn cobs, baked potatoes, pancakes, and muffins with no one to help eat it. It's my fault though, I should have known the margarine convention was in town. I guarantee next year's party will be out of this world.

Chris (Charka, Wyoming): I'm Larry's brother. I was in charge of handing out all 300 flyers for his stupid butter party. I threw all the flyers in the dumpster in the alley next to the strip club where I spent my Valentine's. Today when Larry asked me why I thought nobody showed up to his party, I made up the whole "margarine convention" thing and I'm pretty sure he bought it.

Rick (Wilbet, Connecticut): I spent 3 days making a Valentine's Day card for my girlfriend Susie. When I finally gave it to her yesterday she broke up with me because she said my knuckles were too hairy. I told her I'd shave them but she said that my knuckles really weren't the problem, rather it was my chronic dandruff. I told her I'd have a doctor look at it but she insisted the dandruff wasn't actually the real problem, rather it was my peg leg. I told her that thanks to technological advancements, prosthetics could turn my crotchety limp into a smooth John Travolta type strut. She sighed, looked up to the ceiling and said OK, here's the truth. "I can't be with somebody that thought the Pink Panther movie (starring Steve Martin and Beyonce Knowles) was a legitimately entertaining film. It was a piece of crap movie and I've lost all respect for you. A frenchmen trying to say the word "hamburger" in an American accent is not even remotely funny and you laughed for almost ten minutes straight". My only chance to salvage the relationship was to try and convince her that I was pregnant. She told me that guys with halitosis can't get pregnant and that was that. It was over.

# posted by hucklebuck @ 12:14 PM