Friday, March 09, 2007
Draft #186
Freestyle Fridays (If you don't like potty humor, you came to the wrong place)
-What has Idaho really done for us lately?
A: Nobody really knows. Besides the whole potato thing they don't have a heck of a lot going for them. Definitely a sad state of affairs for our friends in the Northwest. I heard that place was littered with Canadians. We can only hope that's just a rumor and not an actual fact. It must be a rough place to live if you're a slutty girl. Imagine it, you're walking down the street and guys are constantly asking you, "Who da ho?" And your only response is to point your thumbs at yourself and say, "Idaho!"
-In one sentence, please describe to the audience what fat is?
A: Fat is when the line between baker's dozen and single serve becomes very foggy.
-What year did you finally figure out what the word porno meant?
A: It was during a 7th grade Algebra class. Jason C. told me and a group of other guys that he found a "porno mag" at his neighbor's house the previous night. I had no idea what a porno mag was so he clued me in. I knew what a Playboy magazine was (or at least the concept of it), but I was still fuzzy on the term "porno". By the facial expressions of the guys listening to Jason's story you'd a swore he found a pot of gold resting on a pile of cash in the inside of an ice cream truck that was headed to Six Flags Great America.
-Is it true that when a horse or a dog takes a dump on the track before a race that they've increased their chances of winning since they've "lightened the load" so to speak?
A: That's an old wives' tale. If it was true, wouldn't you see Olympic track stars squatting on the track before races to drop a number two to help increase their odds for victory? Until that happens, I'm not buying into the pre-race dookie theory.
-What's the worst aspect of your German heritage?
A: I'd say it's definitely the sauerkraut. I hate cabbage and cabbage related products and that makes for a tough row to hoe when you're of German heritage. It hurts when your own people look at you differently and treat you differently because of your taste preferences.
-I'd image that Adolf Hitler and the Nazi regime made for a bit of smudge when it comes to your people's heritage?
A: That's definitely top 5, although Germany's love for David Hasselhoff isn't making things any easier.
-What can you tell us about Paul Newman?
A: Not a whole lot. The guy makes a sweet salad dressing and I think he played a character in a movie that tried to eat 50 hardboiled eggs. Gotta respect a man with than kind of intestinal fortitude.
-When's the last time you've heard anyone use the term "intenstinal fortitude"?
A: The Gorilla Monsoon would use that term a lot during his announcing days in the WWF to describe Hulk Hogan's ability to absorb large quantities of physical punishment. Wrestling is also a good place to turn to if you haven't heard the term "bread basket" in awhile.
-What's the worst love making advice you ever received?
A: I was told (by a source that will remain nameless) that a girl would find it amusing if, during the end of the love makings, I told her that I'd be coming around her mountains when I come and then yell "Yee Haw" once the end of the love makings had commenced. I tell ya, any gentleman who would even think of a shenanigan like this has lost his entire grip on the pillar of human decency. For shame.
-If you were given your choice of $10,000 cash or whatever was inside the mystery box, which one would you choose?
A: It depends how big the mystery box is. I'd also need a guarantee that Dan Rather wouldn't be the mystery prize. That's about the only the thing that would leave me with feelings of regret and disappointment. Well that, and a night alone with the Pine Sol lady.
-What smells worse? Mountain energy scented Pine Sol or your own piss after you've eaten too much asparagus?
A: Sometimes in life certain situations arise where there can be absolutely no winners. I strongly believe this is one of them. According to the site, "Mountain Energy™ Pine-Sol® cleaner brings the crisp scent and feeling of fresh alpine air to every corner of your home. " Now I know what lemons smell like and I know what oranges smell like, but I'm uncertain as to what "alpine" smells like. My initial thought to what an alpine smell would closely resemble is a big heaping pile of goat excrement, and I'd prefer it if every corner of my house wasn't soaked in that auroma.
-At the start of the day what would you say the percent chance was of you seeing a hippy playing a banjo in the cafeteria at work during lunch?
A: I would have said the chances of that happening were anywhere between -25 and -15%
-And what did you see upon entering the cafeteria today?
A: A hippy playing a banjo. I'm not sure this day could get any brighter, hearing that banjo put a smile on my face that stretched from ear to ear. The only thing that could make it better was if I received word that a group of workers decided to gang up on the hippy and beat him senseless with his own banjo. Disturbing? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely. You give a hippy a two hour block in which to spread his hippy voodoo spells all throughout the company and you're asking for trouble.
-What's one aspect of being a guy that girls really miss out on?
A: That feeling you get when you fill a toilet up with piss foam. For those of you that do not know what I am talking about, allow me to explain. Certain situations arise in a man's life when he really has to piss, and I mean he really has to piss. In those situations a man's urine stream becomes so strong and powerful that the mere collision between piss and toilet water creates a violent reaction that results in the production of a foamy substance that resembles the foam/head that rests atop a poorly poured glass of beer. And if the man's stream remains strong for a long enough period of time, that individual will be able to completely cover the surface of the toilet water with a medley of tiny bubbles (or foam if you please). And as a man (of sorts) there is no greater achievement than blanketing the toilet water with piss foam, the benchmark of any great man. And ladies, or anyone who's forced to pee sitting down due to unexplained complications, I wish you could experience that feeling just once in a lifetime. There's no greater high.
-What is the weirdest and most ironic situation you could find yourself in this weekend?
A: I guess it would be if I ended up in Idaho at a race track sitting next to a German hippy porno star who's eating hardboiled eggs and cabbage out of an alpine scented bread basket as I cheer on the dog that just crudded himself before the race.
-What's the second most disturbing yet ironic situation you could find yourself in this weekend?
A: Again, I'm at the race track and my dog just won me $10,000 and I'm so excited I run to the bathroom to take a whiz and upon relieving myself I overhear Dan Rather and the Pine Sol lady going at it in the neighboring stall. Not deterred by the horrendous discovery I continue on with my business and while leaving the lavatory I hear the Pine Sol lady scream out, "Yee Haw"!!!!!!
# posted by hucklebuck @ 6:10 AM 
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I read a nonexistent study once that said eating too much sauerkraut can double your chances for an elbow tumor.
I don't know too many people that could eat 50 hard boiled eggs but I do know a few fatties that could down a good 30-40 deviled eggs in one sitting. I think I witnessed my brother-in-law eat that many during Easter of 2002. A most unsettling display.
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I don't know too many people that could eat 50 hard boiled eggs but I do know a few fatties that could down a good 30-40 deviled eggs in one sitting. I think I witnessed my brother-in-law eat that many during Easter of 2002. A most unsettling display.
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