Monday, April 16, 2007
Draft #191
A Day in the Life of Teddy Shiftmeyer as Told by Theodore F. Shiftmeyer:
Today I awoke from my sweet slumber to the sound of my favorite song, Wichita Lineman, which was blaring on my clock radio. Per usual I had my alarm set to the all-Glen Campbell radio station (FM102.7--All Glen, all the time!). Some say that this radio station is so popular and mesmerizing that it causes its listeners to involuntarily masturbate. And while I can't personally validate this theory as being true, a local line-dancing hall called the Swapbucket was recently shutdown for reasons undisclosed.
Once I finally got out of bed I headed to the corner of my bedroom as I usually do, to shiver uncontrollably for about 10-15 minutes due to the side effects of my recent efforts to wean myself from my 5 year addiction to Krispy Kremes. You don't know the meaning of the word "scared" until you've found yourself in the fetal position sweating like a hyena with visions of triple chocolate custard whammies taunting you to tears.
So once I was able to pull myself together with the help of a few emergency pixie stix, I headed to the bathroom to begin my daily cleansing ritual. Due to my inability to differentiate hot from cold I unintentionally scalded my genitals in the shower with water so hot it could have cooked a wild goose. Turning to the book my uncle gave me for my birthday, Home Remedies That Sort of Work Sometimes, I decided to douse my genitals with a mixture of flour and condensed cornmeal that the author thought might help curb the burning sensation I may or may not have been suffering from.
On my way to the hospital on my bike with a bag of ice in crotch I decided that maybe the hospital wasn't the best place to have a severe genital burn examined, so I made a stop at Kennedy Memorial Middle School to visit my friend Doug who is the head of the janitorial staff and a self proclaimed quasi-expert on severe genital burns.
The first thing Doug asked me after I showed him my mutilated genitals was, "How long have you had three testicles?"
I told him the third spherical protrusion that he was mistaking for a testicle was probably just a puss-filled boil. But Doug, who takes his title of quasi-expert of severe genital burns seriously, replied angerly, "I have seen a lot of puss-filled boils in my day, and THIS my friend, is no puss-filled boil."
Teddy, "Well if it ain't a puss-filled boil, and it ain't a third testicle, then what is it?"
Doug, "Having just felt it for about 2 minutes now, I'd swear on my father's collection of used Bazooka Joe wrappers that this thing is a testicle. Puss-filled boils are way more sensitive to touch and usually burst on contact."
Ted, "Yeah, that's what she said."
Doug, "I don't get it."
Ted, "I gotta go Doug, thanks for your help."
Worried about how popular my third testicle might make me, I spent the remainder of the day organizing my wig collection.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 10:30 AM 
