Thursday, May 10, 2007
Draft #194
You've been avoiding it for years. You know it must be done, but the thought of it makes your spine shiver. You've heard the horror stories of others who have gone through with it and your mind shutters with all the terrifying mental images. They say when Bob from accounting had his examination they found the remains of what was believed to be a 42 lb turkey. Larry from human resources went in for his checkup recently and now he's lost his ability to speak the English language due to his advanced state of shock. The only things he can say now in a disturbed and shaken tone are "Oh no" and "get that out of there".......he's an absolute wreck.Of course I'm referring to the debilitating effects of a prostate exam. It's probably one of the coldest rights of passage a man will endure in his lifetime besides the institution of marriage. With every passing year you realize you're one step closer to the day when you will eventually have yourself voluntarily probed in the name of health. Part of you clings to the chance that technological advances will turn prostate exams into nothing more than a quick and painless magnetic resonance imaging snapshot. But the other part of you knows that there is no substitute for the cold and sturdy touch that only a complete stranger with a medical degree can provide.
It's a harsh reality that every man will have to face, unless you've previously lost your prostate in a horrible fishing accident during your youth thanks to an inattentive uncle. Odds are you don't even know what the prostate actually does. Many people subscribe to the theory that the prostate doesn't actually exist and that it's just some sort of pseudo organ that the medical industry cooked up because they were running out of places to shove their fingers. Others have theorized that the science of proctology (otherwise known as the devil's craft) was brought into existence in 1827 by a wild batch of butt pirates that migrated to America from their orginal habitat just off the coast of the French Guiana.
Dr. Travis Cutlawn was the first American born doctor to take up the practice of proctology. Though his methods today would be considered harsh and somewhat unorthodox, his fish based method was extremely effective during this era of medicine. Dr. Cutlawn would insert a live trout into the anus of his patient and if after 10 minutes, the fish was still found to be alive then the prostate was deemed healthy and in working order. On the flipside, if the trout appeared distraught and had a purple ring circling the base of its head then the prostate was deemed agitated and in need of repair.
Until 1867, patients that were diagnosed with an agitated or irregular prostate had no cure available to them. These societal outcasts were immediately stoned to death by concerned villagers who feared that the ailment might spread and infect others. But in 1867, one of Dr. Cutlawn's disciples, Meret Brevenfield, developed the first known cure. Through his studies, he formulated a mixture of frog intestines and fig juices that was able to fight off the swelling and cause the prostate to revert back to it's normal state.
Unfortunately in 1871, Dr. Brevenfield was stoned to death by a group of concerned villagers who figured that Brevenfield was merely treating patients that had no symptoms to begin with and that his formula was indeed fraudulent and merely an act to improve his social status among the more buxomly women of the village.
Proctology remained a predominately underground practice until 1950 when it penetrated its way into the mainstream of U.S. medicine becoming a permanent fixture even to this very day. The only other piece of prostatorial history that was actually recorded was done so in 1987. This was when a noble minded trail blazer by the name of Phillip Wonderstock took it upon himself to try and get proctology back into the streets where it belonged. Phillip despised the Big Medicine industry with a passion and wished to place it firmly on its backside. His plan was simple...devise a fleet of mobile trailers that could travel from town to town with one goal in mind. To provide high quality prostate exams at half the price.
Mr. Wonderstock's plan was to set up trailers outside of popular male hangouts like baseball stadiums, moose lodges, and pretty much anywhere else that alcohol was being consumed in mass quantities. There, men were invited to have their prostates examined in a dark trailer with the hopes that their inebriated state of mind might convince them to get it (the prostate exam) over with since most men do not have this test done frequently. Men would often question Phillip's credentials and ask, "Hey, how do we know that you ain't just some weirdo who likes to stick his fingers in other guy's butts?" Phillip's degree from the Belmont Tech Community College hanging on the wall inside the trailer would usually settle the argument.
As it turned out, Mr. Wonderstock really was just a weirdo that enjoyed sticking his fingers into other guy's butts. All in all, a total of 115 men fell for the traveling prostate exam scam which was said to have lasted for almost 6 months in certain areas of Kentucky and Tennessee (other similar operations in different states were shut down within one or two days of their attempted start up).
Mr. Wonderstock's whereabouts remain a mystery even to this very day, though some have speculated that he returned to those very areas of Kentucky and Tennessee (after a brief 10 year prison sentence) where his operation discovered the most success. He is said to be currently employed as a high school gym teacher.
This has been another episode of History Lessons in Awkward Medical Practices.......Join us next week when we take a look into the mysterious world of dentistry!
# posted by hucklebuck @ 7:39 AM 
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They had prostate exams in a bus at Miller Park. The turnout was so great they had to turn people away. I guess the the fact that it was free and you got a free brewers ticket made people forget about the down side of getting a finger or three up the anus.
That very bus/trailer was the inspiration for this entry. They were offering free screenings--not sure what that involves, but it all sounded creepy.
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