Hucklebuck Writes a Muck

For some of us, the news of Enrique Iglesias and Anna Kournikova parting ways from their five year relationship is no big deal. But for 29-year-old bachelor, Pat Graven, this unexpected unraveling just might be his ticket to the motherland....(otherwise known as Anna's cootch). As we all know, a girl on the rebound is a girl in need of some serious rogering. Her emotions are so scattered and unpredictable that the only thing she does know is that she needs the soothing feeling of about two hundred pounds worth of sweaty flesh ravaging her every crevasse.

And this is where Pat Graven comes in. All poor Anna wanted was Enrique's hand in marriage and a couple of kids to boot. Personally, I don't think that's too big of a request for one of the hottest females on the planet. For one reason or another Enrique has decided that he would rather not be tied down at the moment, choosing a foot loose and fancy free lifestyle over being the permanent love slave of America's sexiest Russian import. Now is the time! Pat, your dream is on the cusp of becoming a reality and the only thing sitting between you and a Sunday afternoon leather whipping from Anna is a simple phone call (we all know you like that schtuff).

Now Pat, I'm sure you're reading this and thinking to yourself, "There's no way Anna would ever want to marry me?!?!" But if you take a second to examine the situation, you'd find that you are a more than suitable mate for the once darling princess of tennis. According to a recent Fluff Magazine article, Anna listed drywallers as the the only profession of men that gets her bean burning more than firemen "Guys that crap in cardboard boxes make me hot!!!" Add to that her love of all things that sag to people's knees and the stars couldn't be aligned more perfectly.

Now is the time! I urge you to not think of what might be, but rather what will become. Imagine you and your new love attending all the social events of the year... like Action in Jackson, the Jackson parade, and the grand opening of the new Walgreens. Imagine what could be bent over the railing of your back porch and who will be doing the bending. Imagine what it will be like to have her fetching everyone's cocktails during the annual Chili Sheepshead Party and the record number of participants you'll have that year.

Now is the time! Pat your destiny has arrived. If it's offspring she wants then offspring she will get. Your LHSS is a product of what I would assume to be a surplus buildup of baby batter. Rumor has it, the buildup is so severe that you are capable of impregnating an entire U.S. female hockey team. For the love of God you are an Ironman, it's high time you perk that chin upwards and start acting like it! She's been number one on your list for as long as I've known you, sure Reese Witherspoon and Christina Aguilera may have graced the top spot in sparing moments of desperation, but we all know who your heart belongs to.

Now is the time! Do whatever is necessary to reach her, whether by water, by bicycle, or by foot. Fame is relative. Restraining orders are arbitrary. The bruises left by security guards will eventually fade away. But the open wound left on your conscience for not trying will absorb every ounce of salt this lonely world has to offer. Go my son, go!

# posted by hucklebuck @ 7:15 AM