Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Draft #204
Freestyle Tuesday?
-Damn right beaches, the Huckster is removing his pencil from his A (for a day) and putting some words on the old telecomputer machine. Thanks to numerous weeks of inactivity, my readership has all but abandoned me for the comfortable confines of their Facebook home pages. And honestly, who can blame them. Blogging is as about as popular right now as unflavored yogurt. So with an open canvas and an empty studio audience, let's let the dribble fly....
-If you think about it, Glade's new aerosol fragrance "Clean Linen" is quite the invention. Commonly used to cover up nasty smells left in the bathroom, Glade's new product gives customers the chance to replicate what crapping the bed might smell like. Thanks Glade!
-Speaking of crapping the bed, how about them Chicago Cubs!?!? Thank you Arizona Diamondbacks, you just saved me from a massive headache and the need to throw my lamp across the living room.
-The following players from my fantasy football team need to take a few Andy Bernard famed "awesome lessons" because their performance thus far has been killing me this season:
Steven Jackson- Honestly, a groin? Do you even need a groin to run effectively? Time to suck it up buddy.
Andre Johnson- I onced backpacked through the Appalachian Mountains the week after I was mauled by a team of wild mongoose. The doctor said I'd never walk again and I showed him. Andre, you twisted your knee a little bit, come on already!
Maurice Jones-Drew- Not his fault Fred Taylor isn't severely injured by now. I had week 3 in the pool. Too bad.
Vince Young- He hasn't been flat out abysmal but could definitely use some more awesome.
-My newest food infatuations: Tomato Basil pizza, Jambalaya, and Fettuccine Alfredo. If I ever decide I'd like to become grossly obese I'm just going to eat these three things on a rotating basis meal by meal and a let my arteries sort things out for themselves.
-Things you should never do to a grandmother:
1) Push her down a flight of stairs (they don't typically bounce back from that brand of practical joke)
2) Stop feeding them. It's not like they are cats or something, they actually need nourishment.
-I've said it once and I'll say it again, I'm just not into carving pumpkins. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer to use my pumpkins for masturbation instead of decoration.
-I threw this out to a few of ya's already, but it bears repeating. How many people do you think are currently on this planet who were conceived while their parents were high on cocaine and making "love" with the song "Funky Town" playing in the background? My guess was 7-10 people. My brother guessed a 1,000. Let the debate begin.
-The Cowboys win over the Bills last night reminded me of the time that gang of hoodlums cornered me in the alley behind an Orange Julius and kicked my testacles in until I blacked out. Of course, I'm speaking from the angle of a Bills fan. Not that I'm a Bills fan, but you get my drift. I was having a splendid time that particular day before the hoodlums worked me over in the alley. I petted a dog that day, whistled a tune, and took in the smell of a pie cooling on a window sill, just a red banner day all around. Until that was, I wound up in an alley getting my trouser bells rung repeatedly by a flock of hooligans. There's nothing like waking up in an alley in a pool of your own vomit to remind you of how quickly things can turn, for the worse that is. Bad times.
# posted by hucklebuck @ 8:10 AM 
