Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Fantasy Draft Recap
The Church League Fantasy Basketball League underwent some major changes this off season and I couldn't be more pleased with the new format. We went from a head-to-head points league that made weekly transactions to an 8 category rotisserie keeper league that makes daily transactions. Already two weeks into the season, I'm thoroughly enjoying the freedom of being able to utilize my entire roster instead of being at the mercy of matchups were I'm stuck with the same lineup for 7 days. Now that the days of benching superstars, due to a lack of games played in a week, is gone I'm hoping a heavy percentage of luck has been cut out of the equation and the most talented teams will be rewarded in the end. Luck is a big factor in all fantasy sports but hopefully it won't be as major
of a factor as it used to be.
And with that said, here are your 2008-09 Cousy's Cagers:
Centers
Player: Brad Miller
Drafted: 12th round, 119th overall pick
Selected over: Ray Allen, Ramon Sessions, Boris Diaw, and Nick Collison
Analysis: Brad Miller is usually a safe 6th-8th round draft pick but his 5-game suspension (for smoking the doob) and 11 million dollar contract probably made him expendable to owners with a thick moral fiber and a tight budget towards the end of the draft. His ability and propensity to shoot from 16-19 feet hurts his field goal percentage but it's hard to argue getting solid free throw percentage and high assists totals from the center position. I don't expect the world from Miller and I don't have to, he was my last pick in the draft. If I get anything in the neighborhood of 12 points, 8 rebounds, and 4 assists per game while shooting 80% from the line I will be ecstatic. And while some Miller owners might be turned off by the emerging games of Spencer Hawes and Jason Thompson, I think their presence will allow Miller to play more efficiently. These big men should be able to play off of each other creating open looks and assist opportunities. Keep hitting the boards Brad and you and I will be just fine.
Player: Marc Gasol
Drafted: 10th round, 99th overall pick
Selected over: Richard Jefferson, Al Harrington, Brook Lopez, and Samuel Dalembert
Analysis: I don't know a lot about Marc Gasol but here is what I did know about Gasol going into the draft. For starters, he is Pau Gasol's brother so he has a pedigree to hang your hat on (if someone said he was Daniel Santiago's brother I wouldn't be as impressed). Secondly, he is one big mother! He's a 7'1'', 265 pound center that has a decent skill set. He's not a complete stiff ala Darko Milicic, but he's not as graceful as his brother Pau. What he is though, is a bruiser and the reigning Spanish League MVP. From what I had seen of him in the Olympics, I could tell he was a basketball player that could do a little of everything, he's not completely one dimensional. And when Hakim Warrick and Darko Milicic are your only competition for minutes in the front court, I'd say you'd have a decent chance of playing 30 plus minutes a night. His highlight of the season thus far is his 27 point, 16 rebound outburst against the Warriors, but in the 4 games since, he's scored double digit points only once and has yet to grab 10 or more rebounds in a single game. He's 23 years old, playing in a new league, in a new country, so hopefully he gets acclimated to his new surroundings soon and can be a double-double machine in the second half for the Cagers.
Forwards
Player: LeBron James
Drafted: 1st round, 2nd overall pick
Selected over: Kobe Bryant, Amare Stoudemire, and Dwyane Wade
Analysis: Last year I had the 2nd pick in the draft and traded down to the 7th slot in hopes of selecting Dwight Howard. The only problem was, the guy I switched draft positions with wanted to move up to the two slot to select, you guessed it, Dwight Howard. Despite having the wool pulled over my eyes, I still had the opportunity to select players like Nash, Stoudemire, Wade, or Chris Paul. But no, I decided to take Pau Gasol with my first round pick instead. Needless to say, I didn't have a great season. So with LeBron James leading the way in 2008-09, I'd say I'm light years ahead of where I was last season. LeBron is a fantasy freak show so I don't need to spend too much breath on what I think he'll do this year. But I did want to say how glad I was to have gotten the 2nd pick instead of the 1st. The owner with the 1st pick took Chris Paul and I was planning on doing the same thing up until the point I read Bill Simmons fantasy basketball preview in which he gave such a glowing recommendation for the King. In that same article Simmons said that you couldn't win your league taking Paul with the #2 overall pick (he had him ranked 4th) but later on in the same article said that the difference between Deron Williams and Chris Paul is that Williams has a chance to be one of the best point guards of his generation while Paul has a chance to be one of the best 25 players ever. In either event, it came down to whether you wanted 4 years of Chris Paul in his prime or two years of LeBron James in his prime and I'm not so sure there is a wrong choice to be had in that scenario.
Player: Danny Granger
Drafted: 3rd round, 22nd overall pick
Selected over: Caron Butler, Jason Richardson, Rudy Gay, and Carlos Boozer
Analysis: I honestly didn't think much about Granger's 2007-08 performance as it was happening. He's a player that could have been taken in the 8th or 9th round last year and everyone would have agreed that that was an OK spot to select him in, and he didn't shine so bright during the year that you stopped yourself in your tracks and told yourself, "I gotta have this guy". I drafted him two years ago and wasn't all that pleased with what I was getting, and he barely cracked the starting lineup most weeks. So when I started to notice that most publications had Granger listed as a 2nd or 3rd round pick I had to take a look at the numbers. What did he do differently last year, that he wasn't doing two years ago? I went ahead and looked at the numbers and noticed that his scoring average went from 13.9 to 19.6. That's nice. He also hauled in 105 more rebounds, dished out 52 more assists, recorded 28 more steals and 23 more blocks, and knocked down 61 more three pointers, all while raising his free throw percentage from 80 to 85%. And he did all of that while playing in two less games. Add in the fact he's making only 2 million dollars this season and that he is both guard and forward eligible, I couldn't pass up on Granger, even if he isn't keeper eligible for next year.
Player: Paul Pierce
Drafted: 4th round, 39th overall pick
Selected over: Kevin Martin, LaMarcus Aldridge, and Pau Gasol
Analysis: The only reason Paul Pierce slipped to the 4th round is because of his 18 million dollar price tag. On talent alone, Pierce proved in the playoffs last year that he could go toe-to-toe with the Kobe's and LeBron's of the world and even out perform them at times. He's usually a rock solid 2nd round or early 3rd round pick and for him to nearly slip into the 4th round was an absolute travesty. He's proved that he is the go-to-guy of the big three and with James Posey out of the picture, I think Pierce might be on the floor a bit more during the regular season. Plus, I think the East as a whole has gotten better and the Celtics shouldn't be able to blow out opponents as easily and with as much regularity as last year. And on a side note, if you didn't tear up (or at least get a quiver lip) during the Celtics championship ring ceremony on opening night, then there's a dark place awaiting your soul. And I agree, the Celtics are not my home team so I have no reason to be emotionally invested with their franchise, but come on. There's no way you could watch that ceremony knowing how much failure those three guys went through to get to that point.....and with the Forest Gump overture playing in the background.....and when the tears started rolling down Pierce's face........that's enough to....... let's just move on.
Player: David Lee
Drafted: 6th round, 59th overall pick
Selected over: Tony Parker, Stephen Jackson, and O.J. Mayo
Analysis: Now that we are two weeks into the season, it is coming to my attention that perhaps Parker, Jackson, or Mayo would have been a better selection. I had no idea Ginobili's absence would have vaulted Parker to such heights. I've also never coveted Parker from a fantasy perspective since he's been in the league so I don't feel as guilty passing on him. Mayo was an unproven entity in the NBA and was slated to go later than the 6th or 7th round (when you draft Mayo that early, you're banking on him being one of your starters and not too many people would have been willing to do that before the season) so I don't regret passing him with the 59th pick. But I had Stephen Jackson ranked as a 5th round talent (49th overall) and I had Lee ranked 70th overall, so I'm not sure why I went with Lee. I guess up to that point in the draft, I still didn't have a pure power forward/center type that could haul in tons of rebounds, so I probably drafted for a category need there. And with Eddy Curry out of the picture (in terms of the starting lineup) and with Mike D'Antoni's run and gun system where anything can happen, I got caught up in grand illusions of Lee playing 37-39 minutes a night, pulling in 12 rebounds on the daily, and him becoming the greatest caucasian thing to happen to basketball since Mark Madsen's post championship celebration dances with the Lakers. So far, Lee is playing less than 30 minutes a game, complaining about born spurs in his ankle, and averaging 6 rebounds a game. If things don't change soon, I probably could switch Mr. Madsen into my lineup and no one would be the wiser. Bad times.
Player: Thaddeus Young
Drafted: 8th round, 79th overall pick
Selected over: Luol Deng, Jeff Green, and T.J. Ford
Analysis: I have been enamored with the Georgia Tech product for as long as I've known of him. Josh Smith had been on my fantasy teams for about 3 of the last 5 years and with his stock ever rising, it's harder and harder to get a hold of him in drafts. So when Thaddeus Young came into my life last season I found my new fantasy heart throb so to speak. Coming out of college, I was under the impression that Young was a very raw player who had good size and loads of athleticism, but needed work on his shot. But as it turns out, even though both Young and Smith are left handed, Thaddeus can actually stroke the ball from long distance. He may not be able to steal and block shots at the rate that Smith does, but all and all I think I have an excellent player on my hands. And this is one of the rare occasions where I didn't reach to draft a guy I really, really wanted. It feels like I got him just at the right point of the draft.
Guards
Player: Kevin Durant
Drafted: 2nd round, 19th overall pick
Selected over: Andre Iguodala, David West, Chris Bosh, and Jose Calderon
Analysis: For all intents and purposes, Kevin Durant was supposed to be a 4th round pick this year. But since this is a keeper league, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to own Durant for at least two seasons. Had Joe Johnson or Carmelo Anthony still been around I would have gone with either of those guys, but Durant is a nice consolation prize. If I didn't take him with my 2nd or 3rd round pick, he wouldn't have been around at the 39th slot in the draft. I enjoy the fact that he has guard eligibility but P.J. Carlesimo needs to play him more at small forward. If Chris Bosh could handle himself playing the 4 with Toronto as a rookie, then I think Durant could handle being at the 3. His numbers from last year don't exactly scream out 2nd round value (20.3 points, 4.4 rebounds, and 2.4 assists) but the vast unknown of what he might become is worth the gamble, to me anyways. When he goes out like he did on Monday and drops 37 points, 8 boards, 3 blocks, 9-9 from the line, 2 threes, and 2 assists, you can't help but get warm fuzzies in your tummies. I'm hoping he makes a Rudy Guy type leap in this his 2nd season in the pros and makes me look good for taking him. The only thing that could possibly stop him are those ugly ass jerseys the Thunder are sporting this year. They remind me of a blander version of the jerseys the Pistons wore in the mid to late 90's, and those jerseys were gawd awful. I miss the Sonics already.
Player: Devin Harris
Drafted: 5th round, 42nd overall pick
Selected over: Yao Ming, Raymond Felton, and Rajon Rondo
Analysis: At this point in the draft, I had LeBron, Durant, Granger, and Pierce, 4 all purpose forwards that can give you a little of everything. I either wanted a point guard or an actual post player that would give me a high FG% and rebounds. In the 5th round, you really can't go wrong with Yao. He's an annual 2nd or 3rd round pick that gives you 1st round production when he's healthy. The only problem is, he's almost never healthy. A healthy Yao would probably have guaranteed my team a top three finish, but I just couldn't handle the risk. Plus, watching Yao labor up and down the court isn't even fun. Now on the other hand, Wisconsin native Devin Harris should be loads of fun to watch as he motors up and down the floor handling the ball for a crappy Nets team. I was under the impression that Harris would be good for 17 points, 4 rebounds, and 7 assists all of which would be career highs. So far, he's posting 18.8 points, 3.8 rebounds, and 4.8 assists. Thus far, the assist totals and minutes played (32.8 a game) are a cause for concern, but hopefully those numbers trend upward as the season progresses.
Player: Chauncey Billups
Drafted: 7th round, 62nd overall pick
Selected over: Marcus Camby, John Salmons, Mike Dunleavy, and Michael Redd
Analysis: If Pierce slipping to the back end of the 4th round was a travesty then consider Billups slippage into 7th round territory a crime against humanity. I realize he's 32-years-old and that Rodney Stuckey was waiting in the wings to vulture some of his minutes, but he is still a top notch point guard in the league. He's a lock for 7 assists a game, nearly 90% from the stripe, a steal a game, and he'll finish in the top 30 for 3-pointers made in a season. And this was the Detroit Pistons version of Chauncey Billups. The Denver version should maintain the high water marks in assists, steals, free throws, and three's and then maybe see an increase in rebounds and points given the high tempo brand of play of the Nuggets. This guy has been drafted as a 3rd or 4th round talent for the last 4 or 5 years so hopefully the drop in production that the other owners were predicting never comes to pass. The Cagers love this pick, especially when Tayshaun Prince (7th round) and Rip Hamilton (9th round) were taken in such close proximity to Mr. Big Shot, which is something that never should have happened.
Player: Mike Miller
Drafted: 9th round, 82 overall pick
Selected over: Corey Maggette, Richard Hamilton, and Zach Randolph
Analysis: I hate to keep beating this drum but Mike Miller was tabbed as a 6th or 7th rounder before the draft and I ended up with him in the 9th round. Last season he averaged 16.4 points, 6.6 rebounds, and 3.4 assists for a crappy Grizzlies squad that had no inside presence. He now plays for a crappy team in Minnesota with Al Jefferson creating double teams on the blocks, so there should be an ample amount of open looks for the one-time Florida Gator. Miller has shown he's capable of hitting 150-200 threes in a season when given enough playing time and touches and he even managed to shoot 50% from the field last year despite all of those attempts from long distance. He's eligible at both guard and forwards positions and the only thing I don't like about this guy is his hair. It needs to be cut. Or I'll cut him.
Player: Kirk Hinrich
Drafted: 11th round, 102 overall pick
Selected over: Manu Ginobili, Beno Udrih, and Russell Westbrook
Analysis: After selecting Hinrich in the 4th round last season and getting absolutely torched by the lowest scoring and assist outputs of his career, you'd think I wouldn't dare go down that road again. And while I didn't waste a 4th, or even a mid-round pick on Hinrich, I did decide to use my second to last pick on the very guard that soiled the Cager name a year ago. I didn't anticipate Derrick Rose flying out of the gates so quickly, and assumed that since rookie point guards usually take a year or two to catch their barrings, maybe Hinrich would still be in line for his usual 6 to 7 assists a game while the Bulls slowly brought Rose along. One or two weeks later, Rose is looking like the real deal and in no need of coddling while Hinrich will be sidelined for three months with a busted thumb. Some people never learn.
Others brought aboard:
Nene Hilario- He's eligible at forward and center and should be in line for more minutes with Marcus Camby now in Los Angeles. He looks to be in good shape and is averaging 14.7 points and 7.6 rebounds so far this season. Lets hope this trend continues.
Kelenna Azubuike- Since the Warriors do not have a true point guard (that Nellie trusts anyway) he is getting 35 minutes a night, averaging 15.7 points, 4.5 rebounds, and 1.18 steals a game. He is G/F eligible and only 24 years old. Nellie could run him for 40 minutes a game and that guy wouldn't tire. Run Azu run.
Jordan Farmar- He's never received the starter's minutes to wow you with great statistics and he's never been on a team that relied heavily on its point guard to create offense, but he is a damn good basketball player. There's not much he can't do and if Derek Fisher ever has to go on the shelf for an extended period of time, I will reap all the benefits, or Farmar will, depending on how you look at it.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Wedding Card
Do you remember Rosie? That sweet old lady in the movie the Wedding Singer? Well in the movie she reveals to Robbie that she had intercourse with 8 different men before her wedding night. Now assuming the actress who played Rosie got married when she was 20 years old that would have happened around 1938. Pro rate her level of sexual promiscuity in the 30's to today's moral free atmosphere where having premarital sex is as common as eating lunch, I'd say she would have had sex with around 64 different men if she would've gotten married in today's modern era. Thus making her a gigantic slut.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hope neither of you have slept with that many people before your special day and if you have, we need to have a talk about a little something I like to call, genital herpes. And if you already know about genital herpes, thanks to first hand experience, and are already taking measures to suppress the outbreaks, then I guess that leaves us with not much else to talk about. And then to that I would say:
Participating in marital relations is like drinking alcohol after turning 21. It may not feel as dangerous anymore but odds are you probably won't do it as often as you get older and you probably won't do it while eating pizza and playing video games. Basically the overall key to any happy marriage is a steady balance of the four major pillars to ball tingling goodness: Sex, Alcohol, Pizza, and Sports. The more the better. And if you can somehow incorporate all four at once, then my hat's off to you both.
Here's to feeling good all the time,
Hucklebuck
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Draft #209
Robert's Got a Crush
Yes it's true, I'm in love. Unfortunately for yours truly, the girl I love doesn't even know I exist. Her name is Kristen Wiig and she works in New York. She's about nine years older than I am and can be seen on T.V. on Saturday nights on some show called SNL. I've grown quite fond of this fair maiden and I figured it was about time I made my feelings known to her. So like any gentleman, I decided to email her eventhough we've never met.
Here is a copy of that email:
Dear Kristen,
Hi, my name is Barry (I'm obviously not going to tell her my real name, it's so damn boring. Besides Barry sounds like a more approachable person, Bob sounds like the guy that fired your dad and put your whole family out into the streets, you know, a real asshole) and I'm writing you today in hopes that you find me to be a charming fellow and someday decide to become my wife. Alright, maybe not my wife, but definitely a girl I could call up from time to time for a random boning. I'd be open to more than just boning, but would prefer that boning be a prevelent part of our relationship equation.
Now I know what you must be thinking, who is this Barry fellow? Well allow me to introduce myself. I'm a 26 year old butcher (Trust me, women love men who know how to handle their meat. It drives them focking insane. If I told her the truth and said I was a switchboard operator she'd piss herself laughing so damn hard and delete the email as her head slammed into the keyboard on her way to the ground to assume the fetal laughing position) currently residing in good old Wisconsin. While some might say that Wisconsin is nothing more than a frozen shithole covered in mosquitos, I've found that it can be a very enchanting place to live and reproduce.
But enough about me, how are things going in New York? I have to admit, you are a knock out, not quite a 10, but definitely a solid 8. If you lived in Wisconsin you'd be a freakin queen compared to all the massive cows roaming this state. I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, but just from watching you on television I can tell that you smell good, like a cross between a bushel of peaches and a freshly cut two-by-four. And that sense of humor of yours! You're as funny as an alley cat! How do you not have a boyfriend? You must be a bad cook or something? Or maybe you have hairy legs? Whatever your malfunction, I'm sure it's nothing a quarter jug of whiskey couldn't cure.
Enclosed is a case of root beer, a wheel of cheese, and an entire pork shoulder. I hope you find these flavors of the Midwest to be most delectable and that you'll think of me while consuming them whether it is with friends or alone in your apartment. And please don't have one of your fan club representatives write back to me with some generic response that is sent to every Johnny Average because the last time I checked, there wasn't a whole lot of disease free men with a steady job roaming the planet. So if you could, please give "us" a chance, you never know, it might end up being your best move yet.
With warm regards,
Barry
I'm fairly confident this email is the spark that will ignite the flame of passion. Either that, or it will serve as the stepping stone to my very first restraining order.......only time will tell I guess.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Draft #208
Hi, my name is Robert. In a recent ranking by Forbes magazine, Robert was voted one of the 10 most unoriginal and boring names on the planet. And while I'd like to think that my name doesn't necessarily describe who I am as a person, I do tend to wonder at times if the name isn't befitting. At my core, I believe I am an incredibly boring individual. Some may consider me to be humerous, but for the most part an evening out with yours truly could be described as marginal at best. I'm not the classical risk taker, I practically avoid anything that could be deemed troublesome at all costs. I get uneasy when jay walking or cutting across a home owner's lawn without first receiving permission.
I've never been able to capture a crowd with stories of rebellion or heroism. The highlight of my most recent weekend was catching the "buy one get one" sale on jumbo sized eggs at the grocery store. Eventhough the scramble egg skillet I whipped up was by all accounts amazing, it's not like that makes for a great story. People with great stories to tell are usually the type of people that can get outside of their comfort zone and try new things no matter how good or bad the end result may be. Removing yourself from your comfort zone may include choices as small as purchasing the Captain Crunch (w/ crunch berries) over the box of Cracklin Oat Bran that has become your staple breakfast choice or it may involve spending your money of hang gliding lessons as opposed to spending it on that new version of Guitar Hero that was just released. And sure, you may be saying to yourself, "Robert, where in the Sam Hill am I going to find hang gliding lessons for only $40?" And you may be right, hang gliding lessons don't sound cheap but the last time I checked, man was able to procure himself a $5 hand job if the proper avenues were explored. On that same logic though, I wouldn't advise anybody taking hang gliding lessons from a crack whore. That might not work out exactly as you had planned. Just saying.
Side note: It is in my most humble opinion that anybody who finds Guitar Hero fascinating, at any level, must suffer from a mental condition so severe it has yet to be diagnosed by the medical industry. To further illustrate my animosity towards this recent phenomena, I've compiled a list of things I'd rather do than rock out on a fake guitar.
1. Eat a batch of frostless cupcakes and wash it down with a steaming glass of rotten tomato juice
2. Wear a neckless made of pickles for a week
3. Watch season one of Who's the Boss
4. Drink water from a used bird bath
End of side note.
I hope that in the weeks ahead I'll have amazing stories to tell all you peoples. Some of them will be fake, some of them really fake, and some of them kinda fake with a little truth thrown in to keep you guessing. But until then, this is Robert "Don't call me Bobby" Sampson signing off and hoping yours is a weekend worth remembering.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Draft #207
Big Girls Don't CryBelieve it or not, there are people out there that don't agree with how the Patriots are going about their business this season. These people will tell you that running up the score is classless and not in the best interest of sportsmanship. To the people making those claims, Hucklebuck would like to invite y'all to go fock yourselves. Sports (and competition for that matter) is all about stripping your opponent of his dignity, ripping his heart out and stomping on it until all the ventricles are dry. There is no room for pity and the stadiums in which the games are played are usually fresh out of tear drop absorbent Kleenex long before the final tick on the scoreboard has tocked.
Winners win and are programmed to do so through tireless practice and superior genetics. Trying to pull the reins back on a team built for destruction is a nearly impossible request. Imagine if you will, you are on a ranch and you come across a clydesdale mounting the stuffing out of a steed half it's size. It's smack dab in the middle of breeding season and the smell of heat fills the air like a heavy sweat. Your friend leans over to you and says, "I'll give you $20 if you go over there and try to break those two apart, like a referee in a boxing match." Do you know what would happen if you attempted such an idiotic stunt? That's right, the clydesdale would trample you dead with his incredibly large horse cack before you could even lift your finger to tap it on the shoulder in a timid "excuse me" type fashion.
So to all of you grumblers out there tapping on the clydesdale's shoulder, please just stop, shut up, and go away before you find yourself on the business end of a horny clydesdale's curiosity. The Patriots and the horse are in the middle of something special and they don't need you or any other Johnny Fairplay trying to rain on their parade.
In sports, there is no greater high than that of crushing your opponent's spirit. My sixth grade basketball team was a bit of a powerhouse of sorts, an unprecedented assortment of athletes with a killer instinct and the will to thrive under any set of circumstances. Was it our fault we were placed in a conference with churches that had below average basketball programs? Was it our fault our full court press was executed so perfectly, teams rarely found themselves crossing halfcourt in the allotted ten seconds? Is it our fault we had a couple of coaches who were sophomores in high school that had a strategy with an emphasis on wins and not "player development"? Sure, our reserves rarely saw the court, but what's the harm in that? A wise man once said, "Ya know, the last time I checked, schools don't hand select their dumbest kids to compete in spelling bees so why should our basketball team be forced to put kids on the court that have a below average skill set?" Brighter words were never spoken. That wise man, was the father of one of our coaches responding to the outcry of parents who were complaining about the amount of playing time their child was receiving.
How was our team supposed to respond to an opposing layup line that featured two kids who were barely big enough to physically lift a ball off the ground, a couple of fatties, and a host of nasally four-eyed freaks that weazed so loudly they could be heard over the sound of the scoreboard buzzer? Were we supposed to let them "stay in the game" for a couple of quarters, jeopardizing our chances for victory? No way Jose!! We pressed and pressed until the opposing school's principal literally got out of his seat and raised his hands in the air in the direction of our coach as if to say, "Enough is enough, we get it, your team is great, could you call off the dogs now?"
But our coach was better than that, he just stared coldly onto the court and watched on as his well oiled machine beat the living piss out of a group of kids so uncoordinated they couldn't even organize a game of hopscotch if you spotted them a sidewalk and a multi-colored pack of chalk. Our coach wanted every parent in that gymnasium, their kids, and their kid's kids to remember this game as one of the greatest ass whippings they ever witnessed. We as players did the only thing we knew how to do on a Friday night during basketball season and that was to demoralize our opponent, raise our respective scoring averages, and go home to a never ending supply of Tombstone pizza and RC cola and laugh about the pathetic effort our opponent just put forth.
Sometimes in life, whether it's an NFL juggernaut on the cusp of an undefeated season, a sixth grade basketball team without of moral compass, or a large horse vaginally penetrating a small mare, you just have to let nature take it's course.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Draft #206
The 2007 Church League Fantasy Basketball draft was last Wednesday and here is an indepth look at the Cousy's Cagers lineup:
Centers
Player: Pau Gasol
Drafted: 1st round, 7th pick overall
Selected over: Dwyane Wade, Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire, Shawn Marion, and Tim Duncan.
Analysis: My original plan was to select Dwight Howard with this pick but he was taken 2nd overall ahead of Kevin Garnett. If Howard wasn't available, then I was going to take either Gasol or Stoudemire since both are center eligible. And since Gasol dishes out more assists than Stoudemire, I made him my selection. The Grizzlies are looking to play a Phoenix Suns type fast paced brand of basketball and with Miller, Conley Jr., Lowry, and Gay helping to spread the floor there should be plenty of space for the "Meal Ticket" to operate.
Player: Andrew Bogut
Drafted: 5th round, 42nd pick overall
Selected over: Rashard Lewis, Raymond Felton, and Kevin Durant
Analysis: My orginal plan was to select Bogut with the 54th pick but when Emeka Okafor, Mehmet Okur, and Al Jefferson all went sooner than expected, I decided to pull the trigger a round earlier. Bucks coach Larry Krystkowiak was around to witness last season's debacle and I have faith that part of his solution to the problem in Milwaukee is to get Bogut more involved on the offensive end of the floor. As a fan, it's hard to forget Bogut's 20 point/24 rebound performance against Philadelphia last season and the potential that is lying somewhere within this 3rd year big man.
Forwards
Player: Josh Smith
Drafted: 2nd round, 19th pick overall
Selected over: Paul Pierce, Jason Kidd, and Al Jefferson
Analysis: It's safe to say my affection for Josh Smith is somewhere between "man crush" and "restraining order". Smith can definitely fill up a stat sheet and his numbers have been on the rise for the last three seasons. Last year when I ended up with him in the 4th round I said I could have a poor man's LeBron James on my hands and Smith didn't disappoint. James ended the year averaging 55 fantasy points while Smith averaged 47 points (which is equal to late 1st round, early 2nd round production). My biggest fear, aside from injury, is that Smith gets moved to small forward in an effort to get Zaza Pachulia and Al Horford more minutes up front. If you recall, a similar scenario happened to Andrei Kirilenko out in Utah and his numbers have never been the same since. Fortunately for me though, I don't think anyone is confusing Pachulia & Horford for Okur & Boozer just yet so I think Smith will still get a ton of minutes at the power forward slot.
Player: Lamar Odom
Drafted: 6th round, 54th pick overall
Selected over: Antwan Jamison, Allen Ray, and Brandon Roy
Analysis: Once LaMarcus Aldridge was taken directly infront of me with the 53rd pick I was forced to come up with a plan B because I was 100% certain Aldridge would be available. Plan B would have been to take a guard but Raymond Felton, Andre Miller, and Mo Williams were all off the board at this point as well. So...enter plan C. Odom is typically a 4th or 5th round talent but a shoulder injury kept others from selecting him that early. He's a player that can do a little of everything across the stat sheet and he could be huge this year if Kobe decides to pass the ball and even bigger if Kobe is traded midseason.
Player: Ron Artest
Drafted: 6th round, 59th pick overall
Selected over: Josh Howard, Andrei Kirilenko, and David West
Analysis: Coming into the draft I really, really, really never anticipated a scenario in which I'd have to contemplate selecting Ron Artest. I was convinced that with my 5th-7th round picks I was going to come away with some combination of Felton, A.Miller, Mo Williams, Bogut, and Aldridge since I was willing to take both Bogut and Aldridge much earlier than projected. Artest always has a lot of "ifs" attached to his fantasy value but he's not short on talent. As long as Ron Ron can refrain from starving pets, domestic disputes, or having beer thrown at him, he should be serviceable this season.
Player: Al Horford
Drafted: 10th round, 99th pick overall
Selected over: Charlie Villanueva, Boris Diaw, and Al Thornton
Analysis: I was originally planning on selecting Rudy Gay with the 99th pick and Horford with the 102nd pick but Gay was off the board so I went with Al a couple of spots earlier. Horford had a stellar preseason and will no doubtably be the Hawks starting center before Thanksgiving. Teammates Shelden Williams and Zaza Pachulia are the Ralph Malph and Potsie to Horford's Arthur Fonzarelli when it comes to the center position and it's not even close. Horford is a man while Zaza and Shelden still wet the bed. I'm confident Horford will be busting opponent's chops to the tune of 14 points and 10 rebounds a night and you heard it here first.
Guards
Player: Vince Carter
Drafted: 3rd round, 22nd pick overall
Selected over: Yao Ming, Andre Iguodala, and Baron Davis
Analysis: My original list of candidates to be selected with this pick read as follows: 1) Al Jefferson 2) Paul Pierce 3) Carmelo Anthony. Of course all three of them were off the board so I was forced to go with plan D! I decided to go with Carter because he was the best guard available (according to my list anyway) and since I was taking a guard with my third pick that meant I wasn't going to be forced to take a guard with both my 4th and 5th round selections. I've never owned Vince in my fantasy basketball career thanks inpart to the sleezy fashion in which he wiggled his way out of Toronto by admitting to not giving 100% on the court. He also couldn't stay healthy for a 2 or 3 year stretch and that also played a role in my not wanting anything to do with Vincanity. But.....gulp......he's been healthy for 3 years now and his numbers during his time with the Nets are not all that far off from T-Mac's or Kobe's so let's hope this trend continues.
Player: Kirk Hinrich
Drafted: 4th round, 39th pick overall
Selected over: Jason Richardson, Kevin Martin, and Marcus Camby
Analysis: Kirk has been on the Cager's radar for years now and this will be his first season with the franchise. The Cager's targeted him with this pick and scooped him up as soon as their turn came in the 4th round. I like the fact that he can score, rebound, dish, and play defense. He's never had a dominate low post scoring threat while in Chicago to keep his assist average closer to 8 or 9 as opposed to his usual 6 or 7 but as long as he puts up his usual near-40 fantasy point average, the Cagers will be none disappointed.
Player: Rajon Rondo
Drafted: 8th round, 79th pick overall
Selected over: Stephen Jackson, Andris Biedrins, and Marvin Williams
Analysis: Last season the Cager's signed and released Rondo about as often as Doc Rivers shifted his starting lineup around, which was about every other day. Given the opportunity and minutes, Rondo can be a fantasy force. His incredible speed helps him penetrate the lane (assists), get to loose balls (rebounds), and play the passing lanes (steals) with ease. I'm thinking his production will be along the lines of 11 points, 7 assists, 4 rebounds, and 2 steals a game which would be good for about 35 fantasy points per contest which is what the Cager's are praying for this season. And with Delonte West and Sebastian Telfair out of the picture, I don't see any reason why he couldn't reach these totals if not exceed them.
Player: Jameer Nelson
Drafted: 9th round, 82nd pick overall
Selected over: Leandro Barbosa, Jamaal Tinsley, and Rudy Gay
Analysis: Looking at the negatives of this pick--Nelson stands at about 6 feet tall (with 4 inch heels on), he's coming off of a terrible season, Carlos Arroyo or Keyon Dooling could take his job in a heartbeat if he slips up again, and he's never averaged more than 15 points, 5 assists, or 3 rebounds in any of his 3 years in the league. On the bright side-- Nelson had a ton of success in college, he's in a contract year, he's young and has room for improvement, Stan Van Gundy is his coach now and rumor has it he will be able to transform Jameer into a pass first point guard, Rashard Lewis will help spread the floor, Dwight Howard is emerging as a big time scoring threat, and Jameer has dedicated this season to his father who recently passed away. I'm not sure what this all means for the Cagers this season, but if Nelson can boost his averages to 17 points, 7 assists, and 4 rebounds he won't have to ride the proverbial fantasy pine.
Bench- Travis Outlaw, Paul Millsap, Ronnie Brewer, Acie Law IV, and Kyle Lowry.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Draft #205
Anchor Man II: Wes Mantooth's Revenge
I got this idea while in the shower this morning, why hasn't there been an Anchor Man sequel yet? After scrubbing my balls for a few minutes I started to think about the different routes and angles the sequel could take and here is what transpired within the inner workings of my giant man brain.
When we last left Anchor Man: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Ron and Veronica Corningstone had taken their act national which leaves me with a few questions. Who's taken over for Ron and Veronica at the news station back in San Diego? Is Wes Mantooth's station gaining ground in the battle for news team supremacy in that city? What's Mantooth's station like? How are Brian, Brick, and Champ doing at Channel 4 without their fearless leader? I think there is a lot of directions this sequel could take and here are some of the subplots I would focus on.
Scenario 1
Give the audience a look into Mantooth's newsroom. Give us a sample of some of the day-to-day mishaps and blunders that continue to make Wes the #2 anchor in San Diego. I want to know where this frustation of his stems from. Wes could have a mock version of Brian, Brick, and Champ-- a group of idiots that make his job a nightmare.
Scenario 2
The Channel 4 News Team hires a hot shot anchor that isn't much of a team player (a Barry Bonds type if you will). His arrogance and selfishness make him a bit of a rogue within the Channel 4 news team and the guys try to come up with different schemes to make his job difficult (ala goofing with Corningstone to make her want to leave in the original movie) eventually leading to him quitting or being fired. The hot shot anchor is able to keep Channel 4 atop the ratings list (mainly on station reputation) but Ed Harken can feel the heat and it is only a matter of time before they are overthrown. Unless something drastic happens.....
Scenario 3
The straw that broke the camel's back. Mantooth's station just hired a female manager who's a huge sexist and is making life even more miserable for Wes (a renowned womanizer). Eventually Harken and Mantooth get together and sign Wes to a Channel 4 contract. The guys (Brian/Brick/Champ) don't take to Wes right away, but they eventually form a Ron Burgundy type bond. The ratings gap begins to widen and Channel 4 has a ton of momentum and is the clear cut leader in the news industry.
Scenario 4
Meanwhile, back in the national news scene, things are going great for Ron (or at least it seems as such). Slowly, Ron and Vernonica's relationship begins to fall apart and it becomes apparent that Veronica was just sleeping her way to the top and that it was all a sham. Before Ron is hit with this revelation, he is already having problems coming to terms with the fact that his new job isn't as glamorous as he thought it would be. He misses his friends and being the big fish in a small pond-- a town hero of sorts. He's growing tired of being a cookie cutter national news anchor. Nobody wants to party, it's all business, all the time and Ron can't take it anymore.
Scenario 5
Ron hits rock bottom, again. (the grizzled, drinking expired milk and eating cat poop Burgundy is back). Ron's world is upside down and there appears to be no hope. He catches Veronica in bed with another higher up in the news industry, his old arch nemesis is now the #1 anchor in the town he longs to return to, Brian/Champ/Brick have cut off ties and befriended his old nemesis, and oh I don't know, Baxter gets punted off a bridge again. Things couldn't be worse.
What's next?
From here I'm not sure where the movie should turn next. Ron could take up various odd jobs in the San Diego area just to be close to the city he loves. He could work a drive thru window (did they have drive thru's in the 70's?) or whatever other jobs that seem to be beneath his talents. He just wants to be in the shadows (and it's not hard because nobody even remembers him) to make sure he can pounce when the time is right.
I just thought of something:
Slowly but surely, through a series of precise schemes, Wes is driving the Channel 4 News Team into the ground. Wes found out that his old station manager (the she devil) was fired and his old loyalties are burning deep. He takes a look into the mirror and can't believe what he's seeing, he actual helped the newstation he despised with every fiber of his being remain on top.
That's all I got. Throw in a few sex panther jokes and I think this is a pretty good template for a movie idea. Maybe this is something that is already in the works, maybe not. But one thing is for sure, the world is ready for more Ron Burgundy!
